Supporting Boyfriend through Unemployment

In the midst of Pandemic, many has lost their jobs. And so is my boyfriend. So here I am sharing my own thoughts.

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To begin, let me explain my boyfriend’s character. He is a man of good value, he is hardworking, passionate and deeply dedicated to his job. However, on the other flip side of the coin, he is very sensitive, perfectionist, easily irritable, and has temper issues.

He is working as a chef in a fine dining industry. For those who might know, fine dining is not the most easy job to begin with. It consist of long working hours, high pressure, low pay and physically draining work. I have seen him many times going home with very drained look. Extremely exhausted and stressed after work.

And it is often at restaurants that workers are treated unjustly. For example, overly demanding boss, over time for consecutive days with no compensation given, foul mouthed colleagues, etc. My boyfriend especially is not someone that can stand injustice so he is always extremely bothered by this.

Throughout his career, he has been in and out of jobs many times. He is 28 years old and he has been switching jobs more than 10 times in his life. This year only he has been working in 4 different restaurants. Many said that it is normal for retail industry such as Restaurants. As it is one of industry that has the highest turnover rate. Moreover, we are both located in Singapore. Which, according to HCA Mag, Singapore has the highest turnover rate in Asia.

“Singapore employees have the highest expected turnover rate in Asia Pacific with 46% likely to leave their jobs within a year.”

These factors: tough job nature, high turnover rate industry, bad working environment laced with his perfectionist nature are probably the main cause of his bizarre number of job switch. However for the record, it is not difficult for him to get accepted in a new job. Every time he is unemployed, he is always able to manage to find a new one quickly. Apparently many of his ex-colleagues look at him as a good performing employee, thus he got a lot of recommendations. However, it is just difficult for him to find a workplace where he can dedicate himself into.

On contrary, a little bit background on myself. I am 26 years old and am currently holding a stable position in my first workplace, an SME with a normal working hours and a decent pay. I am earning S$1000 more monthly than what he is earning and been working in this company for 5 years.

In my whole life, I never face any unemployment. I never switch job, nor being unemployed. Even no one in my family, except for my mom which is a homemaker, has ever been unemployed before. So the thought of unemployment is an extremely bizarre thing for me. I never intend or even think of quitting my current job without getting a new one. Where as for him, he will just quit whenever he can’t take things in his current workplace.

I am not proud, but I find it extremely difficult to support him in this situation.

I am constantly torn in between I care for him and do not want him to stuck in a job that he does not enjoy. At the same time, I care a lot about financial stability and anxious about his future.

I know for a fact I can’t control him, because it is a fact that it is his life. And he never financially depend on me as he is quite responsible in savings. However, coming from conventional Asian background, a 28 year old man whom keep switching jobs and did not have stable income is considered a very concerning situation.

I tried to be supportive to him by giving advice in finding jobs.
However, this is a big mistake.

Here is the reasons why it is a big mistake of giving advice in this situation:

I never been in his shoes. So I do not know exactly how he feels in this position. I only can imagine what he felt. Thus this lead to me failed to be empathetic to his situation.

Because I failed to be empathetic to his situation, I tend to give out the obvious solutions. “Why don’t you look for another job?” “Why don’t you take this job instead? It does not seems that bad..” “Maybe, we should look at things at a different perspective. Don’t be too picky..” This words seems harmless, however, to people whom in the middle of unemployment, those words are recipe for disaster.

This has led us to many heated arguments and tensions.

So here are the lessons I learned facing his unemployment:

1. Acknowledge how he feels. Sometimes all he needs is not your advice, but your comforting support. A hug and “It’s okay everything is going to be alright.” works wonder.
   
   Looking at a situation that seems very concerning, it was very easy for me to try to solve the situation quickly. Especially for someone that has controlling tendency such as myself. Naturally, I will quickly come up with list of what to do next to fix the situation. Where as what he needs the most is my comforting hug. He has been in this situation more times than me for God’s sake. He knows what he needs to do. What he truly needs is emotional support.
   
2. Do my part. Doing my part does not mean finding him a new job. That is my boyfriend’s part. What I can do is to give him emotional support during this tough time as his partner and someone who deeply cares for him. The only thing I can do is to inspire, not dictate on what he should do next.
   
3. Balance. This is the trickiest part. Luckily this has not happened to me yet. However it happened to my best friend’s boyfriend. Her boyfriend is stuck in low paying job and yet no desire to advance his career. She has been trying her best to be supportive. But what he has done is taking advantage on her care and depends too much on her.
   
   It is true that I should give him support in this tough time. But that does not equal to spoil him. You are not his mom. He is still equally grown adult and he needs to be able stand for himself. Of course if there is a time he is not able to stand up, it is my role to support. However, sometimes tough love is needed to keep him on his feet and prevent him to stuck in self-pity situation.
   
   Balancing between giving support with love and not overly spoiling him. So how to be in balance? Fully understand your boyfriend situation would be a great start. Understand him first. How does he feels in this situation? Does he want to get out from this situation? Has he tried his best to find a solution? Has his action reflects his words?
   
4. To love more. It is easy to love your spouse/ boyfriend when things are great. But it is tough to love when things are tough. This is actually a point where I learn the most. I am naturally not someone who can easily feel empathetic to someone else’s struggle. And what make me able to learn to be more empathetic to my boyfriend indeed is love.
   
   I am still learning on how to love, to accept him as he is. Sounds cliche, but love indeed make it possible. And when I am ran out of love, I need to go back to the source of love, God. God is love. Be close to Him and I will be filled.
   
5. Be patient. Not your pace but his and His. I tend to be a control freak. I like to plan my life, thus I unconsciously try plan his life too. I have miserably failed in trying to plan my own life. How can I ever be planning someone else’s life?
   
   Surrender everything to Him. God has plans for you, and so He has plan for my boyfriend. Pray for him and support him.

Do you ever face similar kind of situation? Share with me! 🙂

Being in Love with Non-Christian

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Being raised in Christian family, within Christian community, I have always been told to marry a Christian to have a good long lasting marriage. You have to marry a Christian in order to please God.

Okay disclaimer, surely, that is not how they told me. They persuade me in a more persuasive and non-blunt way such as, it is already difficult to marry to a Christian, why do you want to make it more difficult to marry a non-Christian? A Christian spouse will help you to walk in Christ. Don’t you want someone to walk you side by side rather than to be with someone that has different purpose in life? You need to be in the same boat.

Background Story

A little bit background of myself, I am not born in the most loving family. My mom and dad always quarrel to this day. My home has always been heated, I never been into a peaceful family holidays, I hated being at home during my teenage years. After I left my parents home for college, I was embarking on a new faith journey.

For the first time ever, the church made me feel belonged. The church made me feel what it is supposed to be in a family. Being such a hopeless romantic, made me truly believe that the solution to this all is that to have a relationship with a God loving man. And for a long time, that equals to Christian and church goers man.

In the previous blogs, I have told you how I longed years after years over a Christian guy in my church. Then, embarking into many different dates with different guys to prove myself that there is nothing wrong with myself. I prayed and prayed, but my prayers seems not being answered. Until Steve happens.

Falling in Love with non-Christian

Falling in love with non-Christian certainly not easy. If you asked me, “Hey! I am a Christian, I am very active in church, should I date non-Christian?” My answer would be, “I will advise you not to.”

I may sound like a hypocrite, but it is indeed what the people told you, mostly are right.

It has been difficult to be in a relationship that has the same values as you, to add another layer of religion on top of it, it has elevate your relationship difficulty to another level.

I will not say this is a rule that everyone must abide, I believe every one is different and has their own ways to overcome this situation. However, if you are someone that is very much involved in church, your family is Christian, most of your friends, your mentors are devoted Christian that is not open to the idea of marrying non-believer, believe me. It is going to be a tough one.

Because it is going to be a clash of interest and ideas. Based on my personal experience, I am very much influenced by what I do, whom I hang out with, whom I spend the most of time with. My way of thinking, my concept are shaped by my surroundings. I may have thoughts of my own, however I am heavily influenced by others.

When I am deeply involved in church, I am in constant battle with my own conscience. Am I doing something wrong? Am I doing something that is not pleasing to God? Am I going to disappoint God, family, friends and church? What would others think of me? My cell group friends try to be very supportive of me, but I can’t help to feel they actually judged me being wrong and lost in my ways.

There is once I asked one of my good friend who is my cell-group member. “If one day I marry Steve, which is a non-Christian, will you be disappointed in me?” and she answered, “Yes, I will.” At that time I just laughed at her answer, because yes that is the kind of answer I am expecting to hear. But yet, actually I am heart broken to hear that I will be disappointing not just her, but a lot of people based on my life decision.

But life is indeed a complex thing. Some people can live their lives black and white. All according to the book. I thought I was one of them. But however I am not.

Steve, aka my Non-Christian boyfriend is actually a Catholic. Some people may said, “Whaaatt isn’t it still considered Christian? What are you talking about! You are actually dating a Christian for Christ sake!”. Some people will responded this way, “Well, Catholic may seems similar to Christians however if you dive into it, there are differences that you can’t phantom. It is advisable to marry someone of the same religion as when you become husband and wife, it is not good to have different religions.”

As for my surroundings, as expected would be the second one.

Personally, me and my family, believe that Catholic and Christian essentially the same. So I never have a problem dating a Catholic. However, being devoted in church made me think otherwise. Being devoted in church somehow shape the way you think considerably.

Some of you might think, “Hahaha you are just a total hypocrite man. You just follow what your surroundings think. You do not have mind of your own.” Believe me, I think I am too and I am not going to deny that. The more I dive deeper to figure out myself, the more I understand that indeed I am shaped and influenced by my surroundings a lot. What I read, what I watch, whom I making conversation with, whom I listened to, all taking part in building how I think.

Being a devoted Christian, which I spend around at least 3 days around church, having 90% of my friends from church, reading Bible and daily devotions, shaped me into being a good Christian girl. On another flip side of coin, I have a curious nature. I like to explore and challenge things. If there are things that I think is different from what I thought, I almost certainly will speak up my mind. I am considered being the most controversial in the cell group as I like to question things that are never being questioned by others. I tend to think a little bit different from others.

So when I met Steve, I challenge the idea of marrying non-Christian. Why is it so wrong to marry a Catholic? Aren’t Catholics are just another branch or type of Christian? Why is it wrong to marry a Catholic?

I did my research. I read books, read blogs, watch youtube videos, read articles, read quoras, asking friends. All this effort to find some peace and closure. And I come to a strange conclusion. Not every Christian thinks the same. And I am not talking about Christian as in church members. I am talking about even among church leaders, not every church leaders think the same in this area.

Some churches advocates strictly regarding future spouse, you are not just called to marry Christian, but you need to find someone that is equal in terms of spiritual maturity. Because even in Christianity, there are different levels of spiritual maturity.

To this statement, honestly I am half agree half disagree to this statement.

I agree because indeed someone need to have something in common to be in a relationship. They need to be in similar maturity level and able to communicate to each other. Or else, how are they be able to support each other. There are some form of give and take afterall.

However, what I do not agree is that, why there is a need to advocate segregation among Christians?

Why one can not fall in love to someone that has different level of spiritual maturity? How are you able to measure spiritual maturity anyways?

My Non-Christian Boyfriend

So let’s dive into who is Steve, what is his maturity level and whether he is equal to me. He is a non-church goers. He is not under any church or conformed in any church. Moreover, his family is practicing Sukyo Mahikari, which sounds to conventional Christian like a some kind of sect. Though that he himself does not practice Mahikari as much.

He was in a relationship with a very devoted Christian ex-girlfriend whom been with him for 7 years. And the reason why they ended the relationship is because her family could not accept him being a non-Christian. Through their 7 years of relationship, that is how he learned about Christianity bits by bits. And he strongly dislike the church. I guess there was some bitterness between him and church because of how her ex-girlfriend family treated him.

From this point, it sounded like he is far from equally yoked future husband.

However, he loves God. He believes in Jesus Christ, His Son that sent to the earth to save us. He abides and seeks for His will in his life. He prays everyday. He confess his shortcomings in front of him and strive to be better in His eyes.

How do I know all that? Because I have seen him in his lowest point, and I saw him cling not to the earthly thing or himself, but to Him. And to me, that is good enough for me. He is equally yoked to me.

He has his own reasons for not willing to go to church or being baptised ever. I can’t bring or expect him to be a church goers. This saddened me to be honest. Because I can’t do things that I enjoy in church together with him. But this is something that I need to accept for being with him. I only can pray to God that one day He will open his heart for His church. But that is his journey with God. It is up to God.

Being in Love with Non-Christian

For the first months of our relationship I tried to change him. I tried to make him go to church. I failed miserably and our relationship affected badly. In the end of the day, I realise why I want him to go to church is that because I was scared that if he did not, my marriage is not going to be blessed by God.

I started to rethink about my relationship and God. And I find myself ashamed. I spend hours and days in church, not really because I have a deep relationship with Him, but to find companionship among His people. I thought that if I stayed in church, I will have a better life, better family. I was placing marriage and happy life on the pedestal. I was busy being religious rather than spiritual in order to fulfil my dreams.

My family is a Christian family, but not a loving family. When my dad and mom faced with disagreement, they quarrelled instead of communicating and praying to God together as one. And they never actually solve the disagreement and differences that they had in the first place.

This made me as a person to strongly believe that me and my future spouse need to have God in our lives. To give God his rightful place in our heart. To let God be in our relationship.

Steve understand that church is a big part of me, and I now understand that he is not ready to be in church or will ever be. We learn to accept each other. We encourage each other for each other’s growth in Him. I rethink about my love to God and to love other and myself better. Steve realise on his shortcomings and constantly seek for His help to be a better man. We constantly pray about our relationship and to be grateful for our relationship.

All this happened after we let God inside our relationship. There was a day, out of the blue I asked Steve to pray together. And from that day to date, we ask each other what to pray everyday. We are learning to love each other even more. Being in love with each other allows us to be more vulnerable to each other, to be a mirror to each other, to sharpen each other.

We pray for each other and encourage each other at difficult times. We praise Him and thank Him for the good times and bad times. Through this relationship with non-Christian, I learned to be pray better. I pray for others more than before. Something that I was very lacking in, for someone who is very involved in church. Through this relationship with non-Christian I learn to love better.

But all in all, we could not have survived this relationship with Him. That is what I strongly believe. We are just too different and too stubborn. There is no way we can do it just by ourselves. Our relationship only able to happen because Him and Him only. And that to me is a strong reason to stay in this relationship.

I still have not decide whether I will be with Steve for a lifetime, nor I have decide to marry Steve. But I am grateful to embark in this journey with him, to glorify Him through this relationship. Although it might be very very unconventional. (haha)

PS (Disclaimer):

I am not here to say whether it is right or wrong to be in a relationship with a non-Christian. I only write to share my experience.

The bible explicitly told us in 2 Corinthians 6:14 :

¹⁴ Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

But what is exactly unequally-yoked means?

Is it because he is not baptised or not a church goers means he is not equally yoked with you whom is?

But I listened to one podcast from a Catholic priest, saying: “Being with in a relationship an unbeliever is not a question of sin, it is a question of wisdom.” And I really agree to this statement. I know not everyone is, some said it has been written clearly. To not follow the scripture is a sin. Okay. I get you.

But after I thought long about this, I still agree to the priest statement more. It is more about a question of wisdom. It is certainly going to be harder to be in a relationship with someone who has different perspective to you. The question is how far are you willing to compensate on your believe? If you are a very devoted Christian, whom believe you must devote your entire life to church. It must be really difficult to be with someone who does not attend the same church let alone has different believe. Can you still be devoted in church while having a non-Christian spouse? Certainly you can. But there are prices that you will pay.