Lessons You Learn in Relationship

 

Steve and I have been in a relationship for one whole year. ONE WHOLE YEAR. Thinking back on our ride together, that is kinda crazy. Our relationship has been really hard. Especially at the start. I can’t count how many times we cried, hurt each other, angry at each other, pissed at each other, having sleepless nights. We are often arguing till 4 or 5 am in the morning. Very very tiring.

Ah yes. I am officially not single anymore. (yay?)

However, let me tell you. To those who has been searching and longing and lonely for relationship: Even after you are in a relationship, the insecurities are still there. It just changed it’s form. It is never ending. It is clear and proven now.

I used to be insecure and keep asking why I have not met the guy. I was so scared of being the leftover woman. It seems so difficult.

But now, I have a boyfriend whom I know really like me and committed to me. And yet, I am still insecure whether he is the one for me. When things are not going according to what I wish to be, I keep on questioning: Should I continue this relationship? Why is he like this? Why are we in this situation? This is so difficult. Should I just end it?

PS: If one day I am single again and fall into loneliness, please read this again so I remembered all  this.

 

This is real. This is no bullshit. So, the million dollar question would be:

Why am I not as happy as I thought I should be?

There are several factors on why I am not happy as happy as I thought I would be in the relationship. Of course my relationship with Steve also filled with happiness, and there are moments that I will keep on smiling and so excited to see him. However, those days are not everyday. There are many days that we are arguing and it really take a lot on my emotional toll.

Here is the summary on why our relationship is so difficult: (This is just based on personal observation. Might not be accurate. Even Steve could have different opinion on this.)

1. Our personality clashes. He is very sensitive (but I think he does not think he is that sensitive) and I am blunt. I did not think too much before saying things. So in the early stage of our relationship, there is a lot of time Steve will just explode because of the things I said. The way we think also different. Steve tends to think long term, but I like to think short term. The way we handle situations are also different. And many more.
2. We have different expectation on how the relationship should be. Steve just came out from a 7 years long relationship, he has an expectation that girlfriend boyfriend should be in a certain level of trust and be in their most comfortable self. However I have never been in relationship for almost 10 years. I have been single for very long. I take my time to give my trust, and to be comfortable to someone.
3. Different upbringing background. Steve came from Malaysia. I came from Indonesia. (Oh and we met in Singapore) Although both of us come from South East Asian background, there are still a lot of differences in terms of background. There are things that based on Indonesian culture is not acceptable, it is totally acceptable in Malaysian culture. And vice versa. And it does not stop there. Family background also play a huge part. My family is rather conservative, his family is more open minded. Small simple things such as ordering pizza or taking shower in the morning could be a trigger for an argument because of different family and culture upbringing.
4. Language barrier. Steve grew up in English educated household, which speaks english and Chinese on daily basis. Although I am English educated, I grew up in a family whom speaks our native language, Bahasa Indonesia. I am still more comfortable to converse in Indonesian compared to English. Which explains why my english and grammar is kinda terrible. (Haha) So there are several times our arguments is also triggered by me mistranslated Indonesian words to english.
5. Different life. This is something that I believe every single couple face everyday. It is because you basically have different life. You could be together with your partner everyday, and understand your partner very well, comes from the same background, speaks the same language, have the same faith, but no matter how much your life intersect with each other, there are still part of you still belongs to yourself and only you can understand, and so does his. There is always something in his life that you could not understand and you could not relate to. And sometimes the only thing you can do is try to communicate your perspective and try to accept and understand his. Without that, any relationship will not work out.

I know a lot of people have said that when you are in relationship, it does not mean that your quest of finding the one will end. Nor even being in marriage. Relationship has always been a journey. It is never been a quest. There is no end to it. Not even death would be the end relationship.

Makes me reminded of Schwartz Morrie’s quote.

“Death ends a life, not a relationship. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.”

What a beautiful quote. Loves it.

Sometimes I can’t help to have my own ideals on how to be in a relationship. I tend to be a control freak. I have a certain kind of expectation on how relationship should be, I have expectation on how my partner should be, I even have expectation on myself on how I should be. All these expectations are the ones making me not happy and keep being so on the edge in the relationship.

Sure, things get better over time. Steve and I are now much better in communicating our thoughts, and we change for the better. We are still learning from each other every day. I learned that his life belongs to him and to God. And so do mine and this relationship. So I should just try to let go of things and let the relationship grow each day. 🙂

 

So, let me know what is your relationship stories? I always wonder how’s other is doing in their relationship. At least this is mine.

 

 

 

Guys I met in 2018

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Today is 5th January 2019. Just went back from my secondary friends reunion. Catching up with people you have not met for years surely is not easy. Too many things to catch up to a point you’re confused which one to tell first. However, of course, there is the hottest conversation topic for 25 year old ladies. Which is: “How’s your love life?”

As I mentioned in earlier blogs, I had bizarre experience of love life in 2018 compared to 2017. My friend told me, your story of partner finding is so exciting till it could become a novel on its own. So, I thought hell yeah it is. It would be a waste if I did not record it down.

So it begins with my first tinder date in November 2017.

Guy #1 – Jeff – November 2017 I’ve covered a little bit of his story in the earlier blog: my first tinder experience. It is the worst date I ever been. End of story. But he made me not afraid to go to more dates. After all, how bad it could be?

Guy #2 – Alan – November 2017 Met him on tinder. Nothing much about this guy to write actually. We just flirt and chat each other for a week, we met up at neighbourhood coffee shop, chat for a while, and realised we are not match for each other. He is short. However, he is the one made me realised that yeah probably we could meet someone for real relationship from tinder.

Guy #3 – Jason – January 2018 . He is the first religious person I met over online dating apps. Met him on CMB. We chat and find each other interesting in a week, meet up on Saturday. He is a guitarist in a band, close with his family, serving in a church, has master in mechanical engineering, stable job in well known MNC, and quite sporty. Seems like what all of the girls dreamed about in a guy, despite he is Indian. (Different race from me. But i dont care about race afterall) He pick me up from my train station, brought me to a really nice brunch cafe, paid for the meal and spend like around 3 hours to just talk. Seems like we had a great date. After that we had a follow up conversation and seemed like he is interested and willing to set up another date. And that is when I experienced my first ghosting. He ghosted on me after telling me about going on another date. He stopped replying to my messages. Said sorry for the late reply, saying he was busy, but yeah. Just keeping me wondering and lost. Thats when I realised I just met a real jerk. It doesn’t matter whether he is serving in church or a Godly man, you still can get ghosted.

Guy #4 – Jeremy – January 2018 . Another religious man i met through CMB. He asked me to pray together during our dinner, and talked about heavy family background stories. Not that I hate that, I respect the honesty and sincerity however it lacks on chemistry and sadly he is not my type.

Guy #5 – Gary – February 2018 nothing much to talk about this guy except I really like his built. Bearded, cool guy, nice voice. He asked me out again for a drink but Im not interested.

Guy #6 – Daniel – Late January – April 2018. Met him on CMB. I went on several dates with him and surprisingly its always on Tuesday. Our first date went really well. We met for sushi, he paid for the meal, our conversation went well, talked about our family and stuff, flirt a little but not too much, he is funny and all. All seems to be perfect. The following 2 weeks is a wonder we rarely text each other but each text seems so meaningful and interesting then we meet up for our second date. However, after the second date I start to find him not as interesting as before. The chat started to be less intense, however I still feel curious since I feel the first date went really well. So we went on our third date and fourth and fifth and probably sixth. All to find out that we are not match. Probably he realised that Im not as interested as before and sorry to say I kinda ghosted on him. But occasionally he still replied to my insta story though. Sorry daniel! You are handsome and charming though and he is a good guy. Thats what I really like about him.

Guy #7 – Wen Chuen March 2018 . Met on tinder on February. Chat for about a month, however I have my eyes fixated on Daniel at that time. He is an interesting guy though. Has his own startup, practically a celebrity, befriend a real celeb, really great in his career, seems responsible and a decent guy. He is short though. And he is not a christian. I am not sure why our first date doesnt go really well. It’s such a shame. He is a good quality guy. I remember he brought his promised chili sauce and he just sweat a lot eating his own chili sauce while keeping to remain composed. So cute.

Guy #8 – Ezekiel March – May 2018 – another flaky guy. Met him on CMB, however he is actually my friend’s friend. The first Indonesian I met from online dating. We arranged a meet up one day in church, however we didnt get a chance to meet. The following week, he asked me out before I went for holiday. However I got my own flight schedule mixed up and not able to meet up. We are forced to postpone our meet up till Im back from my holiday. And guess what? I got my flight schedule mixed up again and made him wait for solid 2 hours in the airport. That was in April. I did not hear anything from him after that. Fast forward to May, he contacted me again wishing me happy birthday and mentioned that we should go for a hike one day. Well, we never go and he ghosted me.

Guy #9 – T1 aka Isaac (false name) March – October 2018 He is the guy I date the longest in 2018. We met on tinder on March, meet up after few conversation at nearby Mcd. He was nice and looks pretty cool so I agreed to meet up the second time. After second meet up I started to feel there is something off and I felt no spark between us. However, in in between mixed feelings and a little bit of loneliness, I agreed to go on third and fourth date. The fourth date was the deal breaker for me. I decided I cant go with him anymore and it was in May. On late June, he contacted me again and that was when I told him I felt there is no spark between us and we became more open to each other. And well the rest Ive explained in the previous blog. He is in my church now and Im hope his faith grows in our church.

Guy #10 – Anthony March – May 2018 – i met him in one of the christian community. We are serving under the same organisation. Then we had holiday together. He is a godly man, mature and ready. I think I am the one not mature enough for him. We went out once and that was all. However we are still in touch as friends. 🙂

Guy #11 – Andrew April – June 2018 – met him during holiday, he is my friends’ friend. I like the fact that he is sweet without being overly trying. However, he smoke, tattooed and I am not sure whether he is financially stable. Moreover he is on different city. We only chat for around a month till we end the conversation.

Guy #12 – Mark May – June 2018 – met him on CMB. I like how he looked and the fact that we came from the same church coincidentally, although now he has left the church and going to another church. We went out twice. The first date was great and the follow up afterwards are amazing. I like how he is a little bit quiet and yet know what he is doing. However, at the end on the second date we realise we want different things in a relationship and decided it wont work out.

Guy #13 – Michael (F) September – October 2018 – I’ve known michael for long. Probably from 2016 or 2015. And we have been friends ever since. I’ve told michael story on the previous blog as well. Well, I dont think we could be together. But we are still going to be friends.

Guy #14 – Bill October – November 2018 . Met him in 2013 through a student community when both of us is still a student. Life goes on fast forward to 2018, met him through tinder. We chat meet up for the first time and we hit it great. And we decided to meet up the second time. However, after the second date, I felt there are no sparks anymore and well it ends there i guess..

Guy #15 – Ian (false name) October – on going . The hot and cold guy. I think he is a player. Met him on tinder. Well as i explained in the previous blog, im interested in him at first but after our first meet up, I lost interest. I met up with him after he asked me to help in giving out his church flyer. I felt he is different from what I imagined him to be and he is just not my type. However, I never went out on a date with him so I cant be sure. For now, we are only friends i guess. Although we flirt sometimes though… Well, probably I do still have interest in him laced by a little desperation in finding someone. But yeah, I still think he is a player.

Update: January 2019: I just found out he just broke up with his girlfriend at the end of September. Clearly, he is not looking for anything serious. But there is no harm in being friends right?

Guy #16 – Michael (C) December 2018 . Met him on christmas eve. I think he is a great mature guy. The only problem is he 13 years older and he kinda went out on a date with my friend. However, on christmas day, i met him again cos i was seated next to him in church. And he asked for my number. Its been weeks since and he hasnt called. Oh well….

Fear of Being Leftover Woman

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Leftover woman. This word embodies a huge cultural image of an ideal woman. A woman is expected to get married, have kids and live happily ever after. At least that is what the society demands. With this pressure on the society and the rumour that said woman’s population is only third of female’s population (which is wrong) is what makes me so anxious and worried to become a leftover woman. The problem with the leftover woman is that it shows that the woman is actually worthless once she not find the love of her life. That is why she is called leftover. Because she is so worthless no one wants to be with her. It pains me to write that words actually.

I have been experiencing this anxiety lately and it gets up and down depending on days. I know earlier I said that I should be grateful for this single life because I only single and young once. But, it is much easier to be said rather than done. I realized, the core reason why I have been experiencing this often is that currently there is no one pursuing me at the moment and of course the fear of being a leftover woman.

This insecurity I had and probably a hint of pride transforming me into this nasty insecure lady. This lady demand attention from boys just because she has huge insecurities about herself. She has this pride of not wanting to be a leftover woman. Thus, she craves attention from guys. She even goes as far as texting the guy she knew has potential in liking her but she knows deep down she is not interested, just to satisfy the feeling. What an evil.

I am ashamed that I need to become this nasty lady. But at the same time, I can’t help it. I am scared to be a leftover woman. I do not want to be a leftover woman. Although I know by that someone’s worth is not determined by whether she is married or not, I still believe that my worth is determined by it. Don’t get me wrong I think people who decided to be single for life is amazing. She is independent and really strong. Something that I can’t do.

However, I have this dream. This desire that I want to be married. I want to have my own family. I think by having those, then I feel accomplished. Success. Is it wrong to have this dream? I am torn thinking is this a right ambition or it is a bad childish ambition and I should strive to be happily single? I wonder what God’s wants in my life.

I am afraid my ambition has been pulling me away from God. I am afraid that my own ambition makes God not allowing me to reach the ambition. I am lost of what God’s want in my life. I am also afraid that this ambition has blinded me.

However, if I think back I often forgot to feel grateful to God. Because of Him, at least I got a boyfriend before. Because of Him, at least there are people who like me. Because of Him, I got dates. Although all of these does not work out, it is still given to me as an experience. One thing that I realize is that I should be grateful for all of the matches I got. It is not because my profile looks amazing or because of my texting skill I got people interested in me, but only because God allows it to be. Thus, I shall be grateful to all of the matches and dates I had.

My worth is determined of how God sees my worth. It should be that, nothing else. But it is so hard to live this statement. So God, please help me seek my true worth.

And remember this again: Be grateful to God wholeheartedly if one day you really met that significant other. But do not be too attached to him because he is His too. God is only placing him beside you because He wants both of you to glorify Him more through the relationship. Love him because God loves him too. Take care of him.

But again, I do not know what is best for me. And I am trying to trust You that You will give me the best. I am learning hard on to have faith in You. So now I have decided. I really want to be married. However, whether I am going to marry or not, it is up to you. So help me to accept whatever decision or fate You will give me. Help me to understand Your will. Give me wisdom and faith to believe in You. I need that desperately.

 

Alright. I decided to wrote a letter to my future significant other. If I am going to have one. Which I have no idea whether I will ever find one or not.

Dear future significant other,

I have longed for your presence for the longest I can remember. You were one of my biggest desire in life. You were one of my biggest ambition. However, I decided now that you are not going to be those. You are not going to be mine. You are never mine. And I have never been yours. But only by God’s grace we are placed side by side each other. I promised I will take care of you, love you as I love my self. I have longed for you as long as I can remember, so I have this deep feeling to treasure you. To make the relationship work out but only if God is to be glorified.

When I am insecure, please understand my insecurities and remind me that my worth is not in you, not in me but only in God. Remind me that. Insecurities have been my biggest problem after all. When I am too proud and so full of myself, remind me that again I only live by the grace given to me. My life is not mine. I accomplish those only by God’s grace.

So dear future significant other, let’s build a relationship together with God. Because if without God, I think you need to deal with the nasty lady at all times. And I do feel pity for you. You don’t want to face her. Trust me. Alright, see you soon. (I hope)

Story of my Own

I have always loved romantic stories. During an emotional period, I tend to browse through some romantic movies, watch it and try to find movies that most relevant to me. Well, today something similar happen. I get pretty emotional today and I just want to watch some sad movies. But then I realized, what I am looking for is a movie that has similar stories with mine. I would like to find a reference of my own love life. Probably.

So today I have decided, rather than finding reference which I can’t find out there, probably I should write my own love story. On the previous blog I have mentioned how I am now 23 and very single. I am also really wanted to have a romantic relationship, but life did not give me the way I have always wanted.

To think it back, I always wanted to have a boyfriend ever since I broke up over 7 years ago. I am not afraid of new relationships, I am open to new ones, I hang out with people, I like meeting new people, but it just never happened to me. I can’t stop myself to think what is wrong with me. Am I not beautiful enough? Am I not lady enough? Am I not girlfriend material enough? All of the things that discredited myself. I feel so insecure.

And every time I saw my friend that has relationship although they are not searching, I secretly feel jealous and again, wondering what is wrong with me. I tried everything I could ever think of. In high school, I make sure I am friends with guys so that I did not look geek, but then I dont want to look to bitchy too. So I keen my guy friends circle in a moderate level. I went study product design, and not taking others thinking there is a good chance that product design has more guys compared to other field of designs.

And actually it did. There were only 3 girls on my class back in college, but yet I did not find any boyfriend. All of the guy around me is either in relationship, or simply just not a boyfriend material. Then I think, I need more community. Probably it is because I am an international student in my college, so I had this language barrier. So there I am joined cultural organization outside my college. But still, I find no one.

2 years in high school, 3 years in college and 2 years working, I did not find anyone. Well, of course I made a lot of male friends during that course of time, some are special, but no one stays as romantic relationship partner, until I met this guy in church.

I attend a local church, but it has my nationality services there, so most of the people there is the same nationality as mine. At first I met him is probably on my second year in college, and I thought he is a local, because he was speaking in english and not in our native language. And he is extremely quiet somehow and always only talk with his own group of friends. Then I never thought of him until last year.

I can’t even remember when did I start crushing on him. I just think that he is kind of interesting. When he is around his friends, he is different from the way he is in public. He is much more talkative and also smart. I remembered the time when I first notice him. We played a game in a group (Werewolf if you guys know, and we did not talk by the way.) I remembered the way he is easily understood the game rules I came up with, (meaning he is pretty smart), and also intelligently deduct my moves. I have sensed some great qualities back then. But then at that time, I never thought of anything and I am not inside their groups anyway.

Then months change to years, back in college days I did not attend church community that much so I did not met him often. But I also remembered the time he lost his own brother and how I feel empathy towards him. Losing someone is not easy and being able to cope up with it, I saw him strong in a way. My interest in him grew more and more. (I still have not talked with him yet I think)

I realised that I might have a crush on him when I was hanging out with his circle of friends. I found myself happy knowing that we have similarities in some way, for example, we both like sweet stuffs and also the fact that their parents expect urge him to have a girlfriend. And exact same situation as mine. And that was when I knew that his parents only allowed him to date a beautiful girl. And it struck me

Is this guy is that shallow?

ALright. We will continue the story some other time.

Hey this is me. The friendzoned girl.

I am a very extraverted person. I find myself writing this blog simply because my roommate was away for a few days and I am really bored, sitting at home alone. So I decided to write down some life experience here. Thinking, one day, I will be able to go back to this site and have a little laugh of what I have written here.

In life, do you ever imagine yourself putting down a mark in this world? Well, that is what I’m trying to do right now. Try to put for myself a mark in this big, vast world. Because in the end, we are all just 1 person living on  certain period of time, out of billions other person in this world. It’s funny how it’s kinda contradicting, how you can be so special and yet common at the same time.

Well, enough with philosophies, I would like to introduce myself. At this point of time, I am 23 years old girl, pretty much very single, and my life right now revolves around the fact I’m very single. That’s right! Very single. Meaning, I have not been into dates for years. I can’t even remember when is my last date. Probably with my exboyfriend during high school. Yeah, probably that’s it.

Though being really extraverted, I did not express my deepest desire to much people. Especially on this fact, that I really desire to have a partner. Most of the time, I will just joke around my friends and said, “well, yeah I would love to have a partner. But I am happy the way I am now.” Yes, that’s true. Sometimes I do feel happy about myself. But in other days, I just feel like what I am feeling right now. A total loneliness.

If you are wondering, probably you are single because you are not meeting enough people and did not spread your social circles enough. Well, at least to myself, I see myself as a pretty sociable person. Few days without my roommate and this is what I did. Blogging away telling my life stories to countless others. I have lots of friends, but the thing is that’s what I am good at. I am good at being other people’s friends. Not as dates or girlfriend.

Well, yeah that’s right. My today ranting would be because I feel that someone that I have been interested in for a whole year, just see me as a friend. Ha! Friendzoned. Something that I am really good at. Until this point of my life, I have lots of guy-friends, but only has 1 boyfriend. Sad huh? Most of the guy-friend I had said this, “you are a type of girl that is great to become friends with,” I don’t know how many of you out there feel the same way as I am right now. But yeah, I am constantly friendzoned by a lot of guys, and I still have no idea what I have done wrong.

What am I even ranting about? Probably that is enough for today. Today is raining really hard, lightnings and heavy rains outside. Writing this down at night. Future me, remember this day. The day you feel sad, alone at your room, thinking about someone who friendzoned you and how lonely you are now.