Lessons You Learn in Relationship

 

Steve and I have been in a relationship for one whole year. ONE WHOLE YEAR. Thinking back on our ride together, that is kinda crazy. Our relationship has been really hard. Especially at the start. I can’t count how many times we cried, hurt each other, angry at each other, pissed at each other, having sleepless nights. We are often arguing till 4 or 5 am in the morning. Very very tiring.

Ah yes. I am officially not single anymore. (yay?)

However, let me tell you. To those who has been searching and longing and lonely for relationship: Even after you are in a relationship, the insecurities are still there. It just changed it’s form. It is never ending. It is clear and proven now.

I used to be insecure and keep asking why I have not met the guy. I was so scared of being the leftover woman. It seems so difficult.

But now, I have a boyfriend whom I know really like me and committed to me. And yet, I am still insecure whether he is the one for me. When things are not going according to what I wish to be, I keep on questioning: Should I continue this relationship? Why is he like this? Why are we in this situation? This is so difficult. Should I just end it?

PS: If one day I am single again and fall into loneliness, please read this again so I remembered all  this.

 

This is real. This is no bullshit. So, the million dollar question would be:

Why am I not as happy as I thought I should be?

There are several factors on why I am not happy as happy as I thought I would be in the relationship. Of course my relationship with Steve also filled with happiness, and there are moments that I will keep on smiling and so excited to see him. However, those days are not everyday. There are many days that we are arguing and it really take a lot on my emotional toll.

Here is the summary on why our relationship is so difficult: (This is just based on personal observation. Might not be accurate. Even Steve could have different opinion on this.)

1. Our personality clashes. He is very sensitive (but I think he does not think he is that sensitive) and I am blunt. I did not think too much before saying things. So in the early stage of our relationship, there is a lot of time Steve will just explode because of the things I said. The way we think also different. Steve tends to think long term, but I like to think short term. The way we handle situations are also different. And many more.
2. We have different expectation on how the relationship should be. Steve just came out from a 7 years long relationship, he has an expectation that girlfriend boyfriend should be in a certain level of trust and be in their most comfortable self. However I have never been in relationship for almost 10 years. I have been single for very long. I take my time to give my trust, and to be comfortable to someone.
3. Different upbringing background. Steve came from Malaysia. I came from Indonesia. (Oh and we met in Singapore) Although both of us come from South East Asian background, there are still a lot of differences in terms of background. There are things that based on Indonesian culture is not acceptable, it is totally acceptable in Malaysian culture. And vice versa. And it does not stop there. Family background also play a huge part. My family is rather conservative, his family is more open minded. Small simple things such as ordering pizza or taking shower in the morning could be a trigger for an argument because of different family and culture upbringing.
4. Language barrier. Steve grew up in English educated household, which speaks english and Chinese on daily basis. Although I am English educated, I grew up in a family whom speaks our native language, Bahasa Indonesia. I am still more comfortable to converse in Indonesian compared to English. Which explains why my english and grammar is kinda terrible. (Haha) So there are several times our arguments is also triggered by me mistranslated Indonesian words to english.
5. Different life. This is something that I believe every single couple face everyday. It is because you basically have different life. You could be together with your partner everyday, and understand your partner very well, comes from the same background, speaks the same language, have the same faith, but no matter how much your life intersect with each other, there are still part of you still belongs to yourself and only you can understand, and so does his. There is always something in his life that you could not understand and you could not relate to. And sometimes the only thing you can do is try to communicate your perspective and try to accept and understand his. Without that, any relationship will not work out.

I know a lot of people have said that when you are in relationship, it does not mean that your quest of finding the one will end. Nor even being in marriage. Relationship has always been a journey. It is never been a quest. There is no end to it. Not even death would be the end relationship.

Makes me reminded of Schwartz Morrie’s quote.

“Death ends a life, not a relationship. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.”

What a beautiful quote. Loves it.

Sometimes I can’t help to have my own ideals on how to be in a relationship. I tend to be a control freak. I have a certain kind of expectation on how relationship should be, I have expectation on how my partner should be, I even have expectation on myself on how I should be. All these expectations are the ones making me not happy and keep being so on the edge in the relationship.

Sure, things get better over time. Steve and I are now much better in communicating our thoughts, and we change for the better. We are still learning from each other every day. I learned that his life belongs to him and to God. And so do mine and this relationship. So I should just try to let go of things and let the relationship grow each day. 🙂

 

So, let me know what is your relationship stories? I always wonder how’s other is doing in their relationship. At least this is mine.